I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
