are you still at the devil's house?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
