so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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