sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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