Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
