Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
