no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
