I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
