Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
