I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
