Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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