Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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