That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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