I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
