Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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