I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Someone came in the potted fern
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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