Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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