is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
