Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
