I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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