I skipped work to stalk him.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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