i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
