I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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