Please, let me fuck your mom
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
