"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I lost the right to judge tonight
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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