M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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