so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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