Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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