KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
