when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
