I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
this hospital has no fireball
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
