During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
