she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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