my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
