Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
