Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just googled if crying burns calories
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
