I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
