Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
