i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
