There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
