mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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