I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
