My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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