I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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