think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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