hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
