I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
