Say something about gay babies.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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