after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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