Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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