i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
