I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
