i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
