life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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