I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
