eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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