I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
