life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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