Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
