i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
