so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
