Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
