Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
