last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
